The Un-Secret Secret of My Postpartum Depression
Anyone peeking into any given moment in the months after my children's births would see a woman in the midst of a life-and-death struggle. I either wept or nearly wept as I paced the floor with Jonas,...
View Articlemilk
Originally posted to Livejournal September 29, 2009The first person to bring up wearing a sport bra after Christopher Robin's delivery to discourage milk production was our perinatologist. As soon as...
View Articletime
Originally posted to Livejournal November 7, 2009I don't know the weeks and days off the top of my head anymore, but I still go back and count every once in awhile; I'd be 28 weeks along today if I...
View Articlepoem
Still pregnant with loss, My limbs slacken under the heaviness of empty And my womb flutters with the memory of hope.
View ArticleNaked, But Not Running. Not Even Walking. Not Today, Anyway.
Choosing the handle RunningNekkid was a gradual process, coming to me slowly as I sat on the sofa in my newly painted living room. I whined relentlessly to Ian, who patiently let me shoot down each and...
View ArticleHis Name is Christopher Robin (Four Years of Stillbirth)
Warning: This post contains a photo of my son on the day of his stillbirth. Be gentle with yourself and read only when you're able.Four years ago this morning, I overslept a little. I got to work late...
View ArticleOne Hundred Word Wednesday: Listen
Can I tell you about the cle ft in his chin Just like his father's? (I see it every single day.)Or the way his face began to d r o o p
View ArticleA Whispered Awareness
October is an ocean of pink. Everywhere you look, you can buy affirmations of solidarity to let everyone know that yes, my licensed water bottle proves I am in this fight. Even my beloved Sounders...
View ArticlePerspective (or, Why I Am Crying My Fool Head Off Today)
The floors we have finally found a way to afford were going to be laid on Thursday. One week before Iliana's third birthday. That would give us a week, we cheered, to get ourselves moved in before she...
View ArticleFive Years of Going On
Trigger warning: stillbirth, including a photograph.Tonight my brother Evans is coming over for dinner. It's his birthday, so we'll feed him nachos and birthday cake and do our best not to totally...
View Article(Poem) My Heart Is Not A Bone
Here is a poem I wrote about a year ago, in a moment of rage upon reading some hurtful words used to "encourage" a friend to stop being so sad about her lost child. On Christopher Robin's fifth...
View ArticleOne Hour of Remembrance
Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. When we first lost Christopher Robin, I couldn't imagine needing a particular day of remembrance. I was choking on a grief so thick it seemed as if...
View ArticleMilestones, Etc
Originally posted to Livejournal February 1, 2010Dear Christopher Robin,I know that you probably wouldn't have been born on your due date even if I had carried you to term, but it didn't make Saturday...
View ArticleWhat The Fates Allow
I sit with my back to the Christmas tree, a roll of wrapping paper on the floor in front of me. There are a dozen or so gifts to wrap for the children and I am excited. This will be the loveliest...
View ArticleThis Is The Life I Am Supposed To Be Living
The end of last month was Christopher Robin's due date. Well, the fifth anniversary of Christopher Robin's due date, but you know what I mean. It was an anniversary that popped up on the calendar and I...
View ArticleA Very Lovely Summer
The strawberries have going berserk in the front yard. The bean plant I unceremoniously ripped from one back yard container garden survived its relocation to the front yard as well and one long...
View ArticleThe Boy In Our Hearts
She knows she has another brother, one she can't play with or see or talk to or torment. One who won't torment her back, the way her eldest brother does. “He's in our heart,” she says, pointing to her...
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